Lizards

I think two days ago, the kid calls while I was at work to tell me what he just saw. He knows not to ever call me at work except in emergency cases. Well, as it turns out, he says it wasn’t an emergency but he wants to let me know what it was about right away.  He saw a couple of alligator lizards “fighting” just outside the doorstep. He goes, “Dad, you gotta listen to this, I saw two alligator lizards fighting outside, dad!” Now he’s saying this  absolutely convinced the two lizards are locked up in some graceful demonstration of lizard fight. “Uh, dad, this one smaller lizard is on top of this other bigger lizard and the smaller llizard is biting the bigger lizard on the neck!”   

Ohhhh.

I felt so odd all of a sudden. Or maybe awkward. Watching  cartoons and bad black-and-white comedies with him right now would be a lot better than this conversation. I know from watching too many discovery Ch shows and animal planet shows that this wasn’t the case of   two lizards fighting. Na-a

I wanted to lay it out to him straight. That the bite was a “bite of love” and not a fight bite. “Hey, son, you gotta listen to this, those two lizards, they weren’t fighting at all. They were having sex, okay.  And what is sex? okay, check this out, sex is two people, or in this case, two animals, lizards, okay, of opposite sexes, having a really good time, okay? And why are they having a really good time? Gosh, I don’t know, maybe he thinks she’s pretty, okay,  and she thinks he’s all right and so they get married, okay, and have plenty of sex out on peoples’ doorsteps.  You understand…”

See, I didn’t dare go there. Mama mia. Leave that to his mom. Kids are brutal when their brains get stimulated. With this kid here, he can ask questions. In this subject, I see myself in some kind of traumatic ambiance. Call me less a dad, it’s okay.

 ”For sure, no doubt, son!” I say to him instead. “But next time you see this, get a glass of cold water and splash them with it, okay?”. 

Of course the rebuttal: “But why dad?”  That usually means he disagrees and wants further explanation.

I suck at this.